C, C++ monkeys

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager .”

Husband Vs. Wife !!!

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping
Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice
************************************************** **************************

Fastest Thing in the World????

Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.

One common question was asked to all of them.

INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD ?

YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.

MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!

O' Bolo Tararara!! (Hiyo...Hiyo :)

Why i hate(love) sachin!!!!!

10 Reasons why I hate Sachin Tendulkar :

1. He always plays a brilliant innings before my exam and hence doesn’t let me study.

2. Every time that I think of becoming an atheist, he gets into the nineties and I have no choice but to pray.

3. Every time I take a resolution not to bite my nails, he gets into the nineties and I am left with no choice but to chew on my nails.

4. He keeps all the records to himself.

5. He makes a lot more money and fame than me.

6. He costs way too much on ‘super selector’ but since I have to pick him, the rest of my team gets weakened.

7. During a match, invariably when I want to go to the bathroom, he hits a boundary and hence I have no choice but to sit and watch the replay.

8. As soon as I convince myself that God does not exist, he plays a straight drive and proves me wrong.

9. He brings the whole country to a standstill whenever he bats

10. And the last and the biggest reason why I hate Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar …

He is going to retire sometime in the future...

Divorce Letter

Dear hubby,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.. I've been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

(P.S. don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! )

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

(P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born

Carla(woman).........I hope that's not a problem)

No Screwing(Funny one)

Once SONIA GANDHI, L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw.. They met with an accident and all three of

them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of

them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public

positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before
a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions..

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English
test.

Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell " INDIA " and she does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus
forced to fail with false intent.


Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance
assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal
platform for all three).

Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and
passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extre mely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now
requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take
any more tests.

Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.

Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.

||

v

Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died
in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE..... ...

New Sardarji Jokes

SARDARJI bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile
No. has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'


SARDARJI : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
SARDARJI : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.


SARDARJI : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
SARDARJI : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.


SARDARJI : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
SARDARJI : No, I'll also stay with your sister.


SARDARJI : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
SARDARJI : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..


SARDARJI complained to the police: 'Sir, all the items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: ' Howz that the thief did not take the TV?'
SARDARJI : 'I was watching TV news...'


SARDARJI comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'


How do you recognize a SARDARJI in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.


Once a SARDARJI was walking. He had a glove only on one hand .
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.


SARDARJI was in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'


SARDARJI : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
SARDARJI - If only the winner will get the cup, then why are the others running?


Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
SARDARJI : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'


A Indian guy named " Anantharaman Subbaraman " arrived at the New york airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name, he got fedup and went to them and asked why they havent called his name yet. They said that they have been calling him for last 2 hrs as::



\/

' Anotherman Superman'